Folly of the Faithful Canine

deckardcanine @ 2022-09-18T17:05:00

2022-09-18T21:11:22Z

I got an honorable mention in the latest Style Invitational results. The new contest also involves poetry, so I'm giving it a spin, this time with four entries. In case you can't read the link, it's about short poems using terms that Merriam-Webster added this month.

1. Most albums that I’ve listened to begin with something hot.
It makes a lot of sense to give a hit the foremost spot.
In music terms, a deep cut is a less familiar song.
“The first cut is the deepest”? Boy, Cat Stevens got it wrong.

2. If you adopt a hoglet, you had best not name it Sonic.
You wouldn’t want one dashing super-fast around the house.
Perhaps you have a slowpoke and would like to be ironic,
But tempting fate is scary with a prickly pseudo-mouse.

3. When a new CEO of Nintendo
Reached his office, he must have thought, “Yup,
This is it, the top floor of the building,
So I’ll never again level up.”

4. Imagine if a supervillain stuck to petty crime,
Only using superpowers for evasion.
Would heroes try to stop him? Would he not be worth their time?
Would they even give some thought to this equation?
If he should get away with it and everyone found out,
Would authorities be all the more maligned?
Would laws be changed if not repealed? There may be room for doubt,
But I’d bet that’s what the villain had in mind.

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deckardcanine @ 2022-08-20T18:06:00

2022-08-20T22:07:32Z

The Style Invitational didn't publish my previous poetic effort, but I'm taking a chance on the new contest: a limerick featuring a word that starts with "hi."

A gentleman wearing Versace
Ate with gusto and got it all splotchy.
In a hurry, he tried
Using water and dried
It most foolishly—with a hibachi.

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deckardcanine @ 2022-07-24T22:55:00

2022-07-25T02:57:23Z

The latest Style Invitational contest calls for short poems that intentionally misuse a word in a funny way. I considered using "bespoke" with regard to bicycle wheels, but that was hard to work out. Here's what I submitted instead:

I used to opt for tuna fish
When I’d prepare a certain dish,
But now it’s haddock that gets fried.
My recipe’s been codified.

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Onocentaur

2022-07-03T02:27:38Z

The Style Invitational asks for short poems or Q&A jokes featuring words from the latest National Spelling Bee, due Tuesday. I poked around the list until a fifth-round entry grabbed me.

The Middle Ages bestiaries often would include
The Greek-named onocentaur. It’s inevitably viewed
As nothing but a centaur with the horselike side replaced
With donkey parts and sometimes only two legs. What a waste
Of scholars’ ink and parchment (am I sounding like a jerk?).
Whoever made this creature really did some half-assed work.

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deckardcanine @ 2022-05-07T21:53:00

2022-05-08T01:57:09Z

I struck out in the Triple Crown breeding contest. Let's hope I do better with the grandfoals. That contest is open until the 16th, so you may yet enter it as I have. Just don't use any of my submissions:

Dead Gunfighter x Veto Corleone = Don Holliday
Erupt to No Good x Sweeney Toad = Croakatoa
Fat Man x Let’s Go Brandin’ = Let’s Go Brando
Missing Everything x The Very Model! = Heidi Klumsy
Nicholson Dimes x Via Gra = Hard Cash
Pig Penn x Stars and Strops = Jillette Razor
The Wee People x Via Gra = Hobbit-Firming

(Thanks to my parents for talking me out of three weaker entries.)

ADDENDUM: I got an honorable mention for Heidi Klumsy. In her letter, the judge said Croakatoa also made the short list.

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Foal Names

2022-04-17T01:36:22Z

Yup, I entered the very next Style Invitational contest. Unlike the faux ScrabbleGrams, "breeding" Triple Crown nominees is something I've done before. This time I ran out of steam at 10 entries:

Bloodline x Echo Zulu = DeltaNovemberAlpha
Cant Be Doin That x Seventh Letter = G-Rated
Cyberknife x Verbal = Cutting Remark
Doppelganger x Top Secret = Clone of Silence
Echo Zulu x Simplification = EZ
El Paso x Mugged = Marty Robbin’
Enough Already x Rockefeller = Full Nelson
Gunfighter x Top Secret = Quiet Earp
Hopper x Mr White = Reservoir Frogs
Particular x Peaceful Waters = Specific Ocean

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Silly ScrabbleGrams

2022-04-11T02:35:22Z

Style Invitational Week 1482 involves taking 36 prearranged sets of seven letters, such as have been seen in the ScrabbleGrams game, and making new five- to seven-letter words from them, with humorous elaborations. Apparently, they've held this type of contest several times before, but I never participated until now. (I'm afraid the deadline is less than 90 minutes from when I made this post, so you're probably too late.) Here are the ones I submitted:

ABBMOST > BATMOB: What the Caped Crusader assembles when he needs a lot of help.
ADEOPPS > SODAPEP: A drink-based sugar high.
ACHINNU > UNACHIN: In the future, not having a double chin will be remarkable enough for this word to exist.
AHISTTW > HATWITS: Fools who are "all hat and no cattle."
EENSTVY > YENVEST: To invest in whatever you most crave.
ABNOOSS > SANSBOO: A modern description of someone with no significant other.
AAHPTWY > PAYWHAT: Someone who expects artists to work for mere exposure.
UPDRAFT > DARTUP: A new business that makes its decisions via dartboard.
AABCITX > AXBAIT: An act that's likely to get one fired if discovered.
ACEFFIN > INFACE: Like an invoice, except delivered orally in person.
BEIMSTU > SEMIBUT: A conjunction that functions as a compromise between "and" and "but."
DEHNRTU > NUTHERD: A key component in mass hysteria.
ADLNORU > LUNARDO: A haircut only a lunatic would want.
ABEIKLT > LIBTAKE: An especially left-wing reaction to something.
BELMPRU > BERUMP: To make an ass of.
CDEEILN > ENDICE: To lure with the promise of a crap game.
ABGLNOO > LONGBOA: What the Flintstones use for archery.
AEMRSTW > STRAWME: An unflatteringly inaccurate self-portrayal.
EGGIRRT > RETRIG: To take a math course over again.
AABNNOZ > BANANO: The smallest fruit ever cultivated.
DDEILOT > ITODDLE: An Apple product for two-year-olds.
AADMNNS > ANDMAN: Someone who never knows when to shut up.
BHIMSTU > ITHUMBS: Digits that have evolved to be super slim for fewer texting errors.
ACDEGOR > GODCARE: A health plan reliant on thoughts and prayers.
DDGOOOW > OWDODO: Someone who makes others' heads hurt by being stupid.

I was going to include "ADDEISY > IDESDAY: A redundancy among amateur historians," but the limit is 25 entries.

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deckardcanine @ 2021-11-06T18:54:00

2021-11-06T23:00:13Z

The Style Invitational asked for short poems featuring new Merriam-Webster entries. To avoid overthinking, I opted for the limerick format.

I’m becoming a digital nomad.
Although working from home is not so bad,
It begins to feel wrong
When I do it too long.
I must travel, or else I will go mad.

Hippotherapy offers to treat
Lots of problems. You just take a seat
On the back of a horse,
And it walks ‘round a course
So the movement will help. Ain’t that neat?

There once was an arrant otaku
Who acted at cons like a yahoo.
He got in a fight,
Swung with all of his might,
And knocked himself out with nunchaku.

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deckardcanine @ 2021-08-15T21:43:00

2021-08-16T01:46:44Z

Having gotten honorable mentions in both the last two poetic Style Invitational contests, I now submit two entries to one that calls for limericks featuring a word starting with "he-":

A hebdomad’s just a septet,
Though the meaning is harder to get.
At times, it’s a week,
But what people would speak
In that fashion? Elitists, I bet.

He was off on a journey heroic
Through time to the late Mesozoic
To rescue some dinos!
Sounds awesome, but I know
He left looking eerily stoic.

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Spelling Bee Poems

2021-07-25T19:39:54Z

A Style Invitational contest ending tomorrow calls for poems or jokes involving 2021 National Spelling Bee words from Round 8 or later. I chose the former to save time on my quota. Here are my two entries:

Higgledy-piggledy
Rural Australia is
Loaded with critters we’d
Better beware.
These include octopi,
Thanatophidia,
Spiders and dingoes but
Not the drop bear.

(If you're wondering about my format there, look up double dactyls.)

The aviator did a vrille.
He thought it would be quite a thrill.
Alas, it caused some drinks to spill,
And passengers were far from chill.
A bunch of them were feeling ill.
He isn’t with the airline still.

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Songs Made Limericks

2021-06-26T22:23:00Z

The Style Invitational challenge due Monday calls for rewriting popular songs as limericks. The limit's 25; I've come up with a dozen, focusing on lyrics that I perceive as distinctive and neither too serious nor too bizarre. The full instructions say to identify the songs by title, which I will upon submission, but I thought it would be more fun to let you guys figure 'em out:

( Cut for length )

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deckardcanine @ 2021-04-30T20:08:00

2021-05-01T00:11:56Z

Another Triple Crown "foal" contest has come and gone. My dad thinks that some of my entries and some of his should have been honorable mentions, but I don't consider any of the listed ones duds. Well, I'll let you decide. Here are the 20 that I submitted:

Arabian Prince x Ram = Ali Baa-baa
Avenue x Keepmeinmind = Memory Lane
Avenue x O Besos = Bésame Street
Big Lake x Defeater = Victoria
Breadman x I Am the Law = Judge Bredd
Brooklyn Strong x Prate = Empire Statement
Defeater x Federal Bureau = Inbestigation
Defunded x Tarantino = Reservoir Docked
Elector x Gretzky the Great = Puck and Choose
Fly Like an Eagle x Moonlite Strike = Miller Lite
Gershwin x Swing Low = Chariots of Ira
Isolate x Big Fish = Lone Shark
Lemon Pop x One Fast Cat = Sourpuss
Like the King x Petruchio = Blue Suede Shrews
Midnight Bourbon x Sainthood = Holy Spirit
Myopic x Red Flag = Mirsighted
Outasite x Ram = Outadodge
Pickin’ Time x Stayin’ Out Late = Whichin’ Hour
Santa Cruiser x Ubiquitous = Omni-Present
Soup and Sandwich x Spielberg = Eatee

I won't post Dad's unless he asks.

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deckardcanine @ 2021-04-24T17:07:00

2021-04-24T21:13:47Z

The Style Invitational's challenge due Monday: "Offer a new angle on a folk tale, nursery rhyme, children’s song, etc., with a short poem, mini-story (under 100 words) or song parody."

I considered several rhymes and songs that seemed awry when I thought about them. The hard parts are (1) being halfway original and (2) being funny. I ruled out a self-defense plea for "Who Killed Cock Robin?" because that's a sensitive subject these days.

Ultimately, I submitted these two:

Three Very Confused Mice
Why in the world would three blind mice
Pursue a human adult?
Their senses of hearing and smell should’ve told them
They’d get no good result—
Unless there was something amiss about her.
Perhaps her voice was a squeak
And her pheromones smelled like a lovely mouse.
That would give them cause to seek.

Shoe Them Away
The woman who lived in a shoe was a senior.
Her youngest was probably forty.
No wonder she treated her children so badly:
They hadn’t moved out yet; oh, Lordy!

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The Copy Editor

2021-01-24T02:08:42Z

Oh, I’m a copy editor; I work with lots of styles.
I’ve caught some flubs that ought to have you rolling in the aisles.
I single-space the sentences, ensure the curly quotes,
And use the Oxford comma if I’m asked to in the notes.
My eye for errors never rests when I am off the clock.
Some famous publications make so many I’m in shock.
Now let me tell the readership what bothers me the most:
The evident mass layoff of the proofers at The Post.

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