Tuesday, 23 February 2010 05:52 pm
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deckardcanineA contest of strange book titles reported in the paper today reminds me about something I noticed pretty late in life. I’ve seen compilations of bad or questionable titles for different media, including video games. The game list had almost no titles that I recognized, suggesting plenty of bombs. But truth be told, many popular games have pretty dopey and/or misleading titles, even putting aside dated ones like Computer Space and Virtua Fighter. Seemingly half the ones I ever owned do. Consider:
Mario Bros. And the Super series by extension, natch. Apparently they’re Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. I read that that’s how they were identified in the 1994 movie, which is interesting for an adaptation that strays so far from the source.
Donkey Kong. Urban legend had it that “Donkey” was a misprint of “Monkey,” but in reality it was meant to hint at the stubbornness of a donkey. And they had to plagiarize an old adventure movie to go with it. Well, at least it’s catchier than “Mule Joe Young.”
Mega Man. Funny, he doesn’t look big to me. In fact, he doesn’t appear to be a man except on the original cover art. Mega Man 8 even gave him a distinctly childlike voice to go with his looks. A “Holy Roman Empire”-type name if ever there was one in the industry.
Kid Icarus. That’s not the name of the protagonist or anyone else. Nor did he get manmade wings like Icarus; he’s an angel. Tho admittedly, calling the game “Pit” would not be a big improvement.
Metal Gear Solid. Um, most gears are metal and all are solid. You won’t even tell us what kind of metal? Guys, if you have to go with an adjective-noun-adjective pattern, Twisted Metal Black did it better.
The Tales Series. Having to call it that is bad enough, but most of the individual titles, while lofty, do nothing to distinguish one game from another: Tales of Phantasia, Tales of Symphonia, Tales of Legendia, Tales of Vesperia… With dozens of entries, how can one even keep track of rough chronology, let alone themes? Oh, and the four-syllable words are never mentioned within the games. They mean nothing!
Final Fantasy. You knew this would be here, right? They break their promise every time they add to the franchise. Dishonorable mention goes to Final Fight, which has fewer entries.
Captain Commando. It almost feels like cheating to include this run-of-the-mill arcade number, but few ever dared to have a name that broadcasts blandness.
Viewtiful Joe. Never mind how well the nickname complements his girly or “gay” qualities (which do nothing to detract from his badassery); as a portmanteau, it just doesn’t make much sense. Side note: Joe’s t-shirt reads “HMD,” which the character designer says doesn’t stand for anything. Looks like we’ve got some gratuitous “English” on our hands from Japan.
Super Smash Bros. ‘Nuff said.
Some milder examples:
The Legend of Zelda. How many legends are named for the damsel in distress instead of the focal hero? That said, I wonder about those who think Link is Zelda; he may have a modifiable name, but he’s not that androgynous. I might mention that Twilight Princess sounded too twee to some gamers.
Star Fox. Again, not the hero’s name, but it is close. Fox McCloud leads a team called Star Fox.
Metroid. So these aliens are… like a metropolis? Like a subway? Like a metrosexual? I’m not seeing it.
Castlevania. I guess they wanted to evoke Dracula without using a title that could be mistaken for another work, and “Castle Transylvania” was just too long. It still looks odd. Furthermore, when the series had subtitles like Symphony of the Night and Aria of Sorrow, the worst was Harmony of Dissonance. Did they even know what dissonance means in music?
Animal Crossing. Uh, nope, no evidence of interspecies breeding here.
Mortal Kombat. The gritty franchise takes itself a little too seriously to be using “kreative” spelling.
Wario Ware. Hard to imagine a real person whose name is Mario with an upside-down M. Moreover, later entries in the series leave us wondering where the ware is, unless the term is meta. Not that the games really have an overarching theme anyhow.
Rayman. Sounds cool, but where do the rays come in? Is the idea that his detached limbs have no limit to how far they can reach from the torso, like they’re moving along geometric rays? If so, that’s a bit obscure.
Pac-Man. I looked up the origin. “Pac” is an alteration of an Anglicization of Japanese onomatopoeia for his eating. Basically, he’s Om-Nom-Nom Man, only vaguer. And I’m glad we’ve outgrown the sexism of Ms. Pac-Man… or have we?
Pokemon. It’s a Japanese approximation of “Pocket Monsters.” This would be fine except that the pronunciation lends itself to politically incorrect jokes involving Jamaicans.
Pikmin. What is it with this particular arrangement of consonant sounds?!
Rainbow Six 3. Let’s not pile on the numbers here. Speaking of which…
Street Fighter. Singular? Ice Climber has the same problem, albeit on a smaller scale.
But enough of that. Let’s get to some of my favorite titles:
Q-Bert. So alien, yet so identifiable as a character name. It matches the quirky tone.
Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? It wouldn’t be fair of me to include this purely on the basis of the excellent Rockapella song. Fortunately, it’s also convenient for conveying the point: a light-hearted and potentially exciting geographic search for a geographically named character. Who says it has to be less than ten syllables?
Sonic the Hedgehog. Yup, a random animal with preternatural speed. That’s direct enough. I should say, tho, that the makers of the 2006 game by the same name made a big mistake, especially since it wasn’t a reboot like Star Trek (2009).
Zero the Kamikaze Squirrel. Didn’t live up to the hype, but what a wild image. Aero the Acro-Bat, eat your heart out.
Monster Party. Loads and loads of monsters, but not so much scary as fun. Of course, the monsters you defeat might call you a party pooper.
Diablo. I realize it’s just Spanish for “devil,” but I have a thing for Spanish, and somehow it sounds richer and darker this way. Beats the names of the other two Prime Evils, Mephisto and Ba’al.
The Longest Journey. Ooh, there’s a story to be told here; I just know it. And I bet it won’t end too soon. But if you want fast action, keep walking.
The Simpsons: Bart vs. the Space Mutants. Sounds like an old comic book issue. Extraterrestrial species are already unknown to us, so why should we care that they’re mutants? Close behind this is Bart vs. the World -- an obvious melodramatic exaggeration, but accurate enough to satirize the tendency in action games, especially contemporary ones, for everything that moves to be your enemy.
Ratchet & Clank: Up Your Arsenal. Gives you a good idea of what to expect, no?
Bubsy in Claws Encounters of the Furred Kind. Corny puns, but cute.
Deus Ex. Many listeners wonder why the game is called “God From” in Latin, when they don’t mishear it as “Day o’ Sex.” But there’s brilliance at work here. The plot involves a literary deus ex machina that turns out to be almost literal. So why leave off “Machina”? Because the remainder is (1) short and sweet, (2) distinctive, and (3) subtly suspenseful.
Life Force. Doesn’t tell us much, but manages to intrigue. I considered Half-Life, but I’ve always preferred philosophy to biology class associations.
It’s Mr. Pants! Tell me you didn’t smile, if only on the inside.
Mario Bros. And the Super series by extension, natch. Apparently they’re Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. I read that that’s how they were identified in the 1994 movie, which is interesting for an adaptation that strays so far from the source.
Donkey Kong. Urban legend had it that “Donkey” was a misprint of “Monkey,” but in reality it was meant to hint at the stubbornness of a donkey. And they had to plagiarize an old adventure movie to go with it. Well, at least it’s catchier than “Mule Joe Young.”
Mega Man. Funny, he doesn’t look big to me. In fact, he doesn’t appear to be a man except on the original cover art. Mega Man 8 even gave him a distinctly childlike voice to go with his looks. A “Holy Roman Empire”-type name if ever there was one in the industry.
Kid Icarus. That’s not the name of the protagonist or anyone else. Nor did he get manmade wings like Icarus; he’s an angel. Tho admittedly, calling the game “Pit” would not be a big improvement.
Metal Gear Solid. Um, most gears are metal and all are solid. You won’t even tell us what kind of metal? Guys, if you have to go with an adjective-noun-adjective pattern, Twisted Metal Black did it better.
The Tales Series. Having to call it that is bad enough, but most of the individual titles, while lofty, do nothing to distinguish one game from another: Tales of Phantasia, Tales of Symphonia, Tales of Legendia, Tales of Vesperia… With dozens of entries, how can one even keep track of rough chronology, let alone themes? Oh, and the four-syllable words are never mentioned within the games. They mean nothing!
Final Fantasy. You knew this would be here, right? They break their promise every time they add to the franchise. Dishonorable mention goes to Final Fight, which has fewer entries.
Captain Commando. It almost feels like cheating to include this run-of-the-mill arcade number, but few ever dared to have a name that broadcasts blandness.
Viewtiful Joe. Never mind how well the nickname complements his girly or “gay” qualities (which do nothing to detract from his badassery); as a portmanteau, it just doesn’t make much sense. Side note: Joe’s t-shirt reads “HMD,” which the character designer says doesn’t stand for anything. Looks like we’ve got some gratuitous “English” on our hands from Japan.
Super Smash Bros. ‘Nuff said.
Some milder examples:
The Legend of Zelda. How many legends are named for the damsel in distress instead of the focal hero? That said, I wonder about those who think Link is Zelda; he may have a modifiable name, but he’s not that androgynous. I might mention that Twilight Princess sounded too twee to some gamers.
Star Fox. Again, not the hero’s name, but it is close. Fox McCloud leads a team called Star Fox.
Metroid. So these aliens are… like a metropolis? Like a subway? Like a metrosexual? I’m not seeing it.
Castlevania. I guess they wanted to evoke Dracula without using a title that could be mistaken for another work, and “Castle Transylvania” was just too long. It still looks odd. Furthermore, when the series had subtitles like Symphony of the Night and Aria of Sorrow, the worst was Harmony of Dissonance. Did they even know what dissonance means in music?
Animal Crossing. Uh, nope, no evidence of interspecies breeding here.
Mortal Kombat. The gritty franchise takes itself a little too seriously to be using “kreative” spelling.
Wario Ware. Hard to imagine a real person whose name is Mario with an upside-down M. Moreover, later entries in the series leave us wondering where the ware is, unless the term is meta. Not that the games really have an overarching theme anyhow.
Rayman. Sounds cool, but where do the rays come in? Is the idea that his detached limbs have no limit to how far they can reach from the torso, like they’re moving along geometric rays? If so, that’s a bit obscure.
Pac-Man. I looked up the origin. “Pac” is an alteration of an Anglicization of Japanese onomatopoeia for his eating. Basically, he’s Om-Nom-Nom Man, only vaguer. And I’m glad we’ve outgrown the sexism of Ms. Pac-Man… or have we?
Pokemon. It’s a Japanese approximation of “Pocket Monsters.” This would be fine except that the pronunciation lends itself to politically incorrect jokes involving Jamaicans.
Pikmin. What is it with this particular arrangement of consonant sounds?!
Rainbow Six 3. Let’s not pile on the numbers here. Speaking of which…
Street Fighter. Singular? Ice Climber has the same problem, albeit on a smaller scale.
But enough of that. Let’s get to some of my favorite titles:
Q-Bert. So alien, yet so identifiable as a character name. It matches the quirky tone.
Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? It wouldn’t be fair of me to include this purely on the basis of the excellent Rockapella song. Fortunately, it’s also convenient for conveying the point: a light-hearted and potentially exciting geographic search for a geographically named character. Who says it has to be less than ten syllables?
Sonic the Hedgehog. Yup, a random animal with preternatural speed. That’s direct enough. I should say, tho, that the makers of the 2006 game by the same name made a big mistake, especially since it wasn’t a reboot like Star Trek (2009).
Zero the Kamikaze Squirrel. Didn’t live up to the hype, but what a wild image. Aero the Acro-Bat, eat your heart out.
Monster Party. Loads and loads of monsters, but not so much scary as fun. Of course, the monsters you defeat might call you a party pooper.
Diablo. I realize it’s just Spanish for “devil,” but I have a thing for Spanish, and somehow it sounds richer and darker this way. Beats the names of the other two Prime Evils, Mephisto and Ba’al.
The Longest Journey. Ooh, there’s a story to be told here; I just know it. And I bet it won’t end too soon. But if you want fast action, keep walking.
The Simpsons: Bart vs. the Space Mutants. Sounds like an old comic book issue. Extraterrestrial species are already unknown to us, so why should we care that they’re mutants? Close behind this is Bart vs. the World -- an obvious melodramatic exaggeration, but accurate enough to satirize the tendency in action games, especially contemporary ones, for everything that moves to be your enemy.
Ratchet & Clank: Up Your Arsenal. Gives you a good idea of what to expect, no?
Bubsy in Claws Encounters of the Furred Kind. Corny puns, but cute.
Deus Ex. Many listeners wonder why the game is called “God From” in Latin, when they don’t mishear it as “Day o’ Sex.” But there’s brilliance at work here. The plot involves a literary deus ex machina that turns out to be almost literal. So why leave off “Machina”? Because the remainder is (1) short and sweet, (2) distinctive, and (3) subtly suspenseful.
Life Force. Doesn’t tell us much, but manages to intrigue. I considered Half-Life, but I’ve always preferred philosophy to biology class associations.
It’s Mr. Pants! Tell me you didn’t smile, if only on the inside.