Sunday, 19 September 2004 12:17 pm
(no subject)
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deckardcanineFor months now, I've been making myself more open to new activities. The Simon and Garfunkel concert I reported is the earliest example that comes to mind. I also watched Festival Express when I knew it would be of little interest to me. Then there was the U.S. Open, which I didn't talk about here because I hardly cared.
And last night, I attended a party hosted by my dad's coworker. I spent little time with the much older adults and plenty with the host's 9- and 11-year-old sons, who did find ways to keep me occupied, but the adults' poker game went long and late enough that we got very impatient. My parents are concerned that I sounded judgmental when I said I wanted nothing to do with the poker, in response to continued offerings of ways I could peripherally help if not play. Folks, I was being judgmental of the activity, not the people; I might be no better than they, but that doesn't make gambling any more desirable.
Eventually it became clear to my parents that it wasn't the chance of losing a little money that concerned me (they were the big winners at $12). I evoke an account of Churchill asking a woman if she would sleep with him for a million, to which she expresses an affirmative. When he asks if she would for a much smaller price (reports of the exact price differ), she indignantly asks what kind of woman he thinks her. He replies that what kind of woman she is has already been established, and now they are merely negotiating.
But for all my contempt of gambling even meagerly for social purposes, that is in a sense what I've been doing: for all these activities I've attended, I knew there to be a high risk of dissatisfaction on my behalf. As it happens, I've come out of each one with a pretty neutral feeling, like I neither enjoyed it nor distinctly regretted it. Why have I been doing this? Because I've thought it important for me both to vary my experience and to keep from reverting to habits of isolation. If I didn't go with my family, I might just spend an inordinate amount of time playing video games or something to that effect.
(Note: altho I don't have to answer to anyone, I've been rationalizing my video gaming with the observation that it's my best way to combine escapism with interactivity. It explains why I also love reading aloud with interpretive voices, and why I like The Sims best for the ways in which it isn't realistic. There are tabletop and live-action RPGs, but I find them typically hostile to novices; besides, this way I don't have to plan around other people. But it does beg the question of whether such a level of escapism is worthwhile.)
This alternate scenario, while more promising for fun, is nonsocial, nonconducive to growth, undignified, and bound to be rutty. It's my graduation that's inspired me to try harder to avoid such a rut, since I would now expect to be living in the same place for a longer period of time, and with much less contact with friends.
But yesterday my parents reminded me that I'm under no obligation to attend every family activity outside the house. Might it actually do me better not to? It may relieve some of the stress I've only recently acknowledged. Furthermore, I find that I'm not as frequently working on creative endeavors like cartooning, educational endeavors like classic movies, or even private religious endeavors like prayer. My poor time economization is a large part of the problem, but the fact remains that I may well find myself less inhibited when I not only act alone but have no one else in the house with me (pet excepted). Maybe I should actually look forward to the point at which I get my own apartment, which I've arbitrarily been assuming will be within six months after I finish my job training. I haven't yet looked into any, but maybe I should.
And last night, I attended a party hosted by my dad's coworker. I spent little time with the much older adults and plenty with the host's 9- and 11-year-old sons, who did find ways to keep me occupied, but the adults' poker game went long and late enough that we got very impatient. My parents are concerned that I sounded judgmental when I said I wanted nothing to do with the poker, in response to continued offerings of ways I could peripherally help if not play. Folks, I was being judgmental of the activity, not the people; I might be no better than they, but that doesn't make gambling any more desirable.
Eventually it became clear to my parents that it wasn't the chance of losing a little money that concerned me (they were the big winners at $12). I evoke an account of Churchill asking a woman if she would sleep with him for a million, to which she expresses an affirmative. When he asks if she would for a much smaller price (reports of the exact price differ), she indignantly asks what kind of woman he thinks her. He replies that what kind of woman she is has already been established, and now they are merely negotiating.
But for all my contempt of gambling even meagerly for social purposes, that is in a sense what I've been doing: for all these activities I've attended, I knew there to be a high risk of dissatisfaction on my behalf. As it happens, I've come out of each one with a pretty neutral feeling, like I neither enjoyed it nor distinctly regretted it. Why have I been doing this? Because I've thought it important for me both to vary my experience and to keep from reverting to habits of isolation. If I didn't go with my family, I might just spend an inordinate amount of time playing video games or something to that effect.
(Note: altho I don't have to answer to anyone, I've been rationalizing my video gaming with the observation that it's my best way to combine escapism with interactivity. It explains why I also love reading aloud with interpretive voices, and why I like The Sims best for the ways in which it isn't realistic. There are tabletop and live-action RPGs, but I find them typically hostile to novices; besides, this way I don't have to plan around other people. But it does beg the question of whether such a level of escapism is worthwhile.)
This alternate scenario, while more promising for fun, is nonsocial, nonconducive to growth, undignified, and bound to be rutty. It's my graduation that's inspired me to try harder to avoid such a rut, since I would now expect to be living in the same place for a longer period of time, and with much less contact with friends.
But yesterday my parents reminded me that I'm under no obligation to attend every family activity outside the house. Might it actually do me better not to? It may relieve some of the stress I've only recently acknowledged. Furthermore, I find that I'm not as frequently working on creative endeavors like cartooning, educational endeavors like classic movies, or even private religious endeavors like prayer. My poor time economization is a large part of the problem, but the fact remains that I may well find myself less inhibited when I not only act alone but have no one else in the house with me (pet excepted). Maybe I should actually look forward to the point at which I get my own apartment, which I've arbitrarily been assuming will be within six months after I finish my job training. I haven't yet looked into any, but maybe I should.
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no subject
In general, there are always a number of things we have to do, socially, that we'd just rather not. During those, because there's usually a level of obligation (it's family, it's for work, whatever), it's important to make nice and, if necessary, to learn how to make nice. But sometimes it's not that important, and you just don't have to go, you can beg off for all sorts of reasons.
Surely there is some kind of social activity that would actually interest you, and wouldn't feel like a chore?
no subject
Yesterday I asked my priest if playing poker for money, but not for the sake of money, was sinful. He didn't hesitate to say it was quite all right for the mere purpose of fun. Shows what I knew.
I take enough opportunities to have real fun with my folks, but it's hard for me to find social fun outside the house. My school friends are all off in separate directions, and the community groups that might interest me tend to be full of people much older than me. I intend to join a choir next Sunday; that oughta help.