Saturday, 8 May 2004 01:05 am
(no subject)
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deckardcanineIt hurts my pride a little to have three entries in a row without comment, but that's not my major LJ concern right now. Much more important is the fact that I've made a nuisance of myself in at least two other people's LJs. They assess all too accurately that I keep getting thoroughly critical, especially of humor. It's not in my interest to troll, and yet I keep posting negative comments with some level of awareness that it's likely to offend. One person even accused me of posting on topics where I had no interest. They wonder why, and I've come to wonder the same. I like these people, and I hate to have them disgusted at me.
Most of the forums I attend are based on a source of entertainment I enjoy. I came to the LJ community thru a more peripheral connection, and so I don't find things as consistently fit to my taste. I can't make myself like what I don't, but why don't I keep quiet about it?
Here's my theory: In early elementary school, I had too much social and emotional difficulty to describe. Writing became my prime outlet, and I would write basically anything that came to mind. Now that I write in LJs, I have developed a degree of self-censorship, but not enough. Even knowing that my thoughts go to the public domain, and certain near-strangers in particular, I feel like I have to write my opinion whenever I have one, almost as tho I'd be lying not to say it.
This is an explanation, not an excuse. I've stopped using my evidence of mental disorder as an excuse for inappropriate behavior. Now that I think I know the problem, I can better combat it. From now on, I resolve to edit out all non-constructive criticism and present the rest as positively as possible -- or, depending on the case, cut out the constructive as well. If my obsessive-compulsive tendency demands I write it all, I'll write it in a Word document where nobody will see it.
The realization that people were getting tired of me left me depressed for a hours. But yesterday evening, I could not have asked for a better remedy.
The Oberlin Christian Fellowship held its last large group meeting of the school year, and graduating seniors got special treatment. Going around the room, we each heard everyone who knew us say good things about us, be it thru anecdote or general compliment. I think I got less time than most, since I don't reach out to many people, but it was every bit as positive. There were descriptions I absolutely never expected of me, like "dangerous" (apparently with a good connotation) and "attentive listener." We also received copies of Dr. Seuss's "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" and sent them around for everyone to include a personal farewell.
The most frequent characterization of me was one of faithfulness. I suppose some people know me only for my attendance record, but I got the impression they found me an inspiration. That's one of the best compliments I can conceive -- the notion that I have served God successfully by drawing people nearer. If I'm going to feel pride in something, best feel pride in that.
Some seniors looked quite distraught to receive the attention, perhaps out of faith-based humility. Several people, including males, headed for the tissue box. I seriously considered the same.
As a final note (tho maybe it belongs somewhere in the middle; I can't tell), let me add that I couldn't resist off-the-cuff humor on this occasion. When my best friend called me "one in infinity," I remembered what this meant in practical mathematical terms and said, "I'm zero?"
Most of the forums I attend are based on a source of entertainment I enjoy. I came to the LJ community thru a more peripheral connection, and so I don't find things as consistently fit to my taste. I can't make myself like what I don't, but why don't I keep quiet about it?
Here's my theory: In early elementary school, I had too much social and emotional difficulty to describe. Writing became my prime outlet, and I would write basically anything that came to mind. Now that I write in LJs, I have developed a degree of self-censorship, but not enough. Even knowing that my thoughts go to the public domain, and certain near-strangers in particular, I feel like I have to write my opinion whenever I have one, almost as tho I'd be lying not to say it.
This is an explanation, not an excuse. I've stopped using my evidence of mental disorder as an excuse for inappropriate behavior. Now that I think I know the problem, I can better combat it. From now on, I resolve to edit out all non-constructive criticism and present the rest as positively as possible -- or, depending on the case, cut out the constructive as well. If my obsessive-compulsive tendency demands I write it all, I'll write it in a Word document where nobody will see it.
The realization that people were getting tired of me left me depressed for a hours. But yesterday evening, I could not have asked for a better remedy.
The Oberlin Christian Fellowship held its last large group meeting of the school year, and graduating seniors got special treatment. Going around the room, we each heard everyone who knew us say good things about us, be it thru anecdote or general compliment. I think I got less time than most, since I don't reach out to many people, but it was every bit as positive. There were descriptions I absolutely never expected of me, like "dangerous" (apparently with a good connotation) and "attentive listener." We also received copies of Dr. Seuss's "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" and sent them around for everyone to include a personal farewell.
The most frequent characterization of me was one of faithfulness. I suppose some people know me only for my attendance record, but I got the impression they found me an inspiration. That's one of the best compliments I can conceive -- the notion that I have served God successfully by drawing people nearer. If I'm going to feel pride in something, best feel pride in that.
Some seniors looked quite distraught to receive the attention, perhaps out of faith-based humility. Several people, including males, headed for the tissue box. I seriously considered the same.
As a final note (tho maybe it belongs somewhere in the middle; I can't tell), let me add that I couldn't resist off-the-cuff humor on this occasion. When my best friend called me "one in infinity," I remembered what this meant in practical mathematical terms and said, "I'm zero?"
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no subject
You're done with school then? Congrats.
no subject
You're certainly right on the difficulties of expression in cyberspace. But in the case of my notorious negativity, the plaintiffs were correct and I pled guilty. (This morning I discovered that one of them had mistaken a positive comment of mine for sarcasm. I assured him I would use emoticons, pseudo-HTML or other dead giveaways for that.)
It seems impossible that I could become better at in-person expression than at writing, but maybe I have as far as LJs are concerned. OCF's appreciation suggests that I have at least improved at the former.