Friday, 28 May 2004 06:07 pm
What a stupid thing to call it
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deckardcanineMy page-a-day calendar is called The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said (With an Extra Dose of Idiocy for Leap Year). It's hard to take the title seriously when they release a new one every year. What's more, it's unapologetically harsh. For a good number of their quotes, I hear dumber things said all the time. Heck, I've said dumber things myself; I just don't get as much attention. Some, especially movie lines, don't even look stupid except maybe if you concentrate on their caption, which usually takes the peculiar form of "On [Noun], [Adjective]."
Nevertheless, I get my share of laughs. Now that I'm packing and discarding what I don't need to pack, let me share my faves before they get recycled:
Instruction manual for a watch made in China:
NORMAL TIME SETTING
Hold B about 3 seconds then push B once or push B once by once. (Day of week flag above Tuesday flashing)
Select flashing digit(s) to be set by push C or A
Advance figure by pushing A or C
Select 12/24 hour cycle option in normal time
Hold A then push B or when time (hour) setting. 12/24 hour cycle option will appear alternately on every 24 hour cycle during hour advance Month and date interchange by holding C then push A or cannot be changed.
Hanoi restaurant menu items:
FRED FRIGID CUTTLE
CHICKEN CHAFFING DISH
FRED SNACK HEAD WITH FIVE
SCREW WITH CHINESE HERBS
Radio announcer: This week in the meat department, get an all-bone, meatless ham for only 19 cents a pound....
Anne Robinson: Castel Gandolfo is the summer residence of which religious leader?
Weakest Link contestant: Jesus.
Texas Ranger Mickey Rivers: I'm from Florida, so I'm used to it. Actually, the climaxes are about the same.
George W. Bush: I hope we get to the bottom of the answer.
Customer: How long will the pancakes be?
Waiter: Not long, they're usually pretty round.
Les Dennis: Name a bird that can also be a man's name.
Family Fortune contestant: Chicken.
Sports commentator Brendan Foster: But the main group, just a few yards behind the main group...
Daily Mail (U.K.): He said that not only would a computer FiXnd and error, but would cor restit and continue to perform wihtout a pause in continuity.
South African medical chart: THE PATIENT REFUSED AUTOPSY.
Mr. New Jersey Male: The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a great planet.
Park Cities News (TX): In that story we inadvertently printed that Beau would always be the "Southern Gentleman," making every effort to fulfill the needs and desires (expect sex).... It should have been "except sex."
Q: Why is your time so inconsistent?
Warriors guard Mookie Blaylock, in the third year of a four-year, $18 million contract: If I knew the answer to that, I'd be a rich man.
Warren G. Harding: I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved.
San Marino newspaper ad: J.C. PENNEY CARNIVAL OF VALUES -- MEN'S SUNDRESSES, REGULARLY $2, SALE $7... [Calendar caption: "On Department Store Ads That Are a Drag"]
1967 Science Digest: By 2000...discarded paper table "linen" and rayon underwear will be bought by chemical factories and coverted into candy.
Malaysia road sign: CAUTION -- WATER ON ROAD DURING RAIN
San Francisco Examiner: You will want a loam containing plenty of humans and good drainage.
Sevenoaks Chronicle (U.K.): THE DYSLEXIA INSITUTE
Sportscaster Jerry Coleman: Hector Torres, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?
Maryville Forum: A stray bullet killed one bystander slightly.
Coldwell Banker Realty ad: CONGRATULATIONS TO TAMMY KING ON BEING NAMED ASS OF THE MONTH FOR MAY [meaning "Associate"]
Courtroom Q: What is the relationship?
A: She's my aunt.
Q: Who's brother or sister to whom here?
A: My mother is his brother is -- is her -- my mother is -- what is it? By marriage, I guess you would say. My mother is her brother -- is his brother by marriage, so she's just an aunt.
Conductor Eugene Ormandy: It is not as difficult as I thought it was, but it is harder than it is.
Quincy Patriot Ledger (MA): "As certain as night succeeds the day, without a decisive navoin oiniou oiuiouiouoo ing definitive," he read. "Know who wrote that?"
Cleveland Indian Duane Kuiper: ...66 pitches through six innings. It doesn't take a very smart guy to figure out that's 12 an inning.
George W. Bush: I understand small business growth. I was one.
Prince Philip: A few years ago everybody was saying we must have more leisure, everybody is working too much. Now that everybody has got so much leisure -- it may be involuntary, but they have got it -- they are now complaining they are unemployed. People do not seem to be able to make up their minds, do they?
Sports commentator Tony Crozier: The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggest -- absolutely round.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer...[b]ecause the public defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to public defender): Do you have any comments on your defendant's motion?
Public defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Nevertheless, I get my share of laughs. Now that I'm packing and discarding what I don't need to pack, let me share my faves before they get recycled:
Instruction manual for a watch made in China:
NORMAL TIME SETTING
Hold B about 3 seconds then push B once or push B once by once. (Day of week flag above Tuesday flashing)
Select flashing digit(s) to be set by push C or A
Advance figure by pushing A or C
Select 12/24 hour cycle option in normal time
Hold A then push B or when time (hour) setting. 12/24 hour cycle option will appear alternately on every 24 hour cycle during hour advance Month and date interchange by holding C then push A or cannot be changed.
Hanoi restaurant menu items:
FRED FRIGID CUTTLE
CHICKEN CHAFFING DISH
FRED SNACK HEAD WITH FIVE
SCREW WITH CHINESE HERBS
Radio announcer: This week in the meat department, get an all-bone, meatless ham for only 19 cents a pound....
Anne Robinson: Castel Gandolfo is the summer residence of which religious leader?
Weakest Link contestant: Jesus.
Texas Ranger Mickey Rivers: I'm from Florida, so I'm used to it. Actually, the climaxes are about the same.
George W. Bush: I hope we get to the bottom of the answer.
Customer: How long will the pancakes be?
Waiter: Not long, they're usually pretty round.
Les Dennis: Name a bird that can also be a man's name.
Family Fortune contestant: Chicken.
Sports commentator Brendan Foster: But the main group, just a few yards behind the main group...
Daily Mail (U.K.): He said that not only would a computer FiXnd and error, but would cor restit and continue to perform wihtout a pause in continuity.
South African medical chart: THE PATIENT REFUSED AUTOPSY.
Mr. New Jersey Male: The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a great planet.
Park Cities News (TX): In that story we inadvertently printed that Beau would always be the "Southern Gentleman," making every effort to fulfill the needs and desires (expect sex).... It should have been "except sex."
Q: Why is your time so inconsistent?
Warriors guard Mookie Blaylock, in the third year of a four-year, $18 million contract: If I knew the answer to that, I'd be a rich man.
Warren G. Harding: I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved.
San Marino newspaper ad: J.C. PENNEY CARNIVAL OF VALUES -- MEN'S SUNDRESSES, REGULARLY $2, SALE $7... [Calendar caption: "On Department Store Ads That Are a Drag"]
1967 Science Digest: By 2000...discarded paper table "linen" and rayon underwear will be bought by chemical factories and coverted into candy.
Malaysia road sign: CAUTION -- WATER ON ROAD DURING RAIN
San Francisco Examiner: You will want a loam containing plenty of humans and good drainage.
Sevenoaks Chronicle (U.K.): THE DYSLEXIA INSITUTE
Sportscaster Jerry Coleman: Hector Torres, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?
Maryville Forum: A stray bullet killed one bystander slightly.
Coldwell Banker Realty ad: CONGRATULATIONS TO TAMMY KING ON BEING NAMED ASS OF THE MONTH FOR MAY [meaning "Associate"]
Courtroom Q: What is the relationship?
A: She's my aunt.
Q: Who's brother or sister to whom here?
A: My mother is his brother is -- is her -- my mother is -- what is it? By marriage, I guess you would say. My mother is her brother -- is his brother by marriage, so she's just an aunt.
Conductor Eugene Ormandy: It is not as difficult as I thought it was, but it is harder than it is.
Quincy Patriot Ledger (MA): "As certain as night succeeds the day, without a decisive navoin oiniou oiuiouiouoo ing definitive," he read. "Know who wrote that?"
Cleveland Indian Duane Kuiper: ...66 pitches through six innings. It doesn't take a very smart guy to figure out that's 12 an inning.
George W. Bush: I understand small business growth. I was one.
Prince Philip: A few years ago everybody was saying we must have more leisure, everybody is working too much. Now that everybody has got so much leisure -- it may be involuntary, but they have got it -- they are now complaining they are unemployed. People do not seem to be able to make up their minds, do they?
Sports commentator Tony Crozier: The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggest -- absolutely round.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer...[b]ecause the public defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to public defender): Do you have any comments on your defendant's motion?
Public defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
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no subject
I'm rather glad to have a stranger post here without me trying particularly to lure one.