Sunday, 14 November 2004 09:09 pm
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deckardcanineHumorists sometimes say that they're doing something again "due to" a lack of popular demand. Well, I'm not sure how well my readers appreciate me quoting from my calendar of stupid quotes, since the only one to respond to them was a passerby of sorts. Still, I find it kinda soothing to write these here, so here goes.
Sign: 2ND FLOOR UPSTAIRS
Lawyer: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.
On-screen listing: LIVES & LEGENDS: FILM CLIPS, PHOTOS AND INTERVIEWS TRACE THE LIFE AND CAREER OF THE COMIC ACTOR. [Calendar caption: "On Who?"]
Donald Rumsfeld: I believe what I said yesterday. I don't know what I said, but I know what I think, and I assume it's what I said.
Sen. Charles Grassley on why to support Oliver North's '94 run: The bottom line is there have been a lot of nuts elected to the United States Senate.
Newspaper ad: BEAUTIFUL CASKET. EXCELLENT CONDITION. USED ONLY ONCE.
TV listing: The Real Prince Philip (T) Continuing Channel 4's Halloween horror season
Customer: I can't print!
Tech support: Okay, sir, I want you to click "Start" and--
Customer: Listen, buddy, don't get technical on me! I'm not Bill Freakin' Gates, you know!
Headline: SOME PSYCHICS PROVIDE USELESS, ERRONEOUS INFORMATION
New Orleans mayor Vic Schiro while checking Hurricane Betsy damage: Don't believe any false rumors unless you hear them from me.
From actual resumes:
-Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
-Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
-Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
-My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
Diamondbacks manager Bob Brenly: There are times when you can physically feel the air going out of your ball club.
Hong Kong menu: FILLET OF LEATHER JACKET IN A SAFFRON CREAM SAUCE AND VEGETABLES
NYC General Post Office building sign: THIS DOOR IS NOT TO BE USED AS AN ENTRANCE OR EXIT.
Sportscaster: Two minutes on the clock when you're on defense is a lifetime, but when you're on offense it's a lot of time.
Newspaper correction: Saddam Hussein is not the England Cricket Captain -- he is Captain of Iraq. We meant to say "Nasser Hussein."
Broadcaster: The Yankees have saved four runs with their defense tonight, two by Clemens and one by Jeter.
Weakest Link host: Which breakfast pastry is named after the French for "shape of the waxing moon"?
Contestant: Pop Tart.
Beijing newspaper ad:
House keeping:
Cleaning, defecating, sterilizing for new residence
Floor maintaining face-lifting polishing to kitchen and toilet
American College Dictionary: ANALYSIS OF VARIANCE, STATISTICS: A procedure for resolving the total variance of a set of varieties into component variances, which are associated with various factors affecting the variates.
George W. Bush: There's no such thing as legacies. At least, there is a legacy, but I'll never see it.
Broadcaster: A lot of actresses have complained that as they get older their parts dry up.
Penn State coach Joe Paterno: If I wake up one morning and decide another person can do a better hob with this squad, I will tell the wife, "Let's go to Italy." Or Brooklyn. Either one of those countries is fine with me.
Caine (England) mayor Edward Cooper: The meeting was held in secret because it concerns the public so much.
UK newspaper ad: QUALIFIED NURSEY NURSE Required at Kenleigh Nursery School, St. Annes
Translator: And now, His Poopiness the Hole...er...His Poopiness the Pole...rather, His Holiness the Poop. [Caption: On Translators, in Deep Doodoo]
Manager Sparky Anderson on Jose Canseco: The best thing about him is that he's built like a Greek goddess.
TV producer Everett Chambers when his cop series was canceled: We bought $40,000 worth of cars to smash up, and we never got the chance to smash them up. I think that's kind of immoral, $40,000 worth of cars to smash up when people are starving in India.
Translation on Hong Kong calligraphy souvenir: MAY EVERY MEMORY BRING THE FEELING THAT YOU HAVE NOT LIVED FOR ANYTHING.
South African medical chart (yes, again): RECTAL EXAMINATION REVEALED A NORMAL SIZED THYROID. [sorry if you're too grossed out somewhere among these]
U.S. Postal service reply to a complaint: After a thorough investigation, we are able to determine that the late arrival of your mail was due to a delay in transit.
Conductor Eugene Ormandy (yes, again): With us tonight is William Warfield, who is with us tonight. He is a wonderful man, and so is his wife.
Adjoining headlines:
HUMAN REMAINS FOUND
MICHIGAN MAN GETS NEW HAND
Multivitamin box label: THIS LABEL IS NOT A SIGNIFICANT SOURCE OF INFORMATION
George W. Bush: Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.
Regina newscaster: As Francis Bacon said, some books are to be [pause] -- what the hell did he say?
Taiwan puzzle toy instruction: LET'S DECOMPOSE AND ENJOY ASSEMBLING!
Guangdong company promotion letter: WE HOPE OUR NEW PRODUCTS WILL REDUCE YOUR INTEREST.
Help Wanted ad: The University of Vermont...does not discriminate for reasons of national origin, race, gender, class, sexual performance, or religion.
Sign: BOARDING OF BUS PROHIBITED WHEN DOORS ARE CLOSED.
TV newsman: And it's warm and wet in the city this morning. Let's find out how [weather forecaster] Isabelle Lange is -- warm and wet as well?
Sportscaster: The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball.
Headline: WIFE'S FAMILY: MAN WHO KILLED FAMILY NOT ALL GOOD.
2000 Summer Olympics announcer (sure are a lot of sportscaster quotes): Next up is the Central African Republic, located in Central Africa.
Old Farmer's Almanac online: Lou Gehrig...played his 1,308th game in St. Louis, 1933. The colonists, numbering about 100, were never found.
Newsman: A freight train derailment today caused problems for thousands of computers....
Broadcaster: It is expected that 80% of every single spectator will arrive by train.
Sign: 2ND FLOOR UPSTAIRS
Lawyer: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.
On-screen listing: LIVES & LEGENDS: FILM CLIPS, PHOTOS AND INTERVIEWS TRACE THE LIFE AND CAREER OF THE COMIC ACTOR. [Calendar caption: "On Who?"]
Donald Rumsfeld: I believe what I said yesterday. I don't know what I said, but I know what I think, and I assume it's what I said.
Sen. Charles Grassley on why to support Oliver North's '94 run: The bottom line is there have been a lot of nuts elected to the United States Senate.
Newspaper ad: BEAUTIFUL CASKET. EXCELLENT CONDITION. USED ONLY ONCE.
TV listing: The Real Prince Philip (T) Continuing Channel 4's Halloween horror season
Customer: I can't print!
Tech support: Okay, sir, I want you to click "Start" and--
Customer: Listen, buddy, don't get technical on me! I'm not Bill Freakin' Gates, you know!
Headline: SOME PSYCHICS PROVIDE USELESS, ERRONEOUS INFORMATION
New Orleans mayor Vic Schiro while checking Hurricane Betsy damage: Don't believe any false rumors unless you hear them from me.
From actual resumes:
-Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
-Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
-Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
-My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
Diamondbacks manager Bob Brenly: There are times when you can physically feel the air going out of your ball club.
Hong Kong menu: FILLET OF LEATHER JACKET IN A SAFFRON CREAM SAUCE AND VEGETABLES
NYC General Post Office building sign: THIS DOOR IS NOT TO BE USED AS AN ENTRANCE OR EXIT.
Sportscaster: Two minutes on the clock when you're on defense is a lifetime, but when you're on offense it's a lot of time.
Newspaper correction: Saddam Hussein is not the England Cricket Captain -- he is Captain of Iraq. We meant to say "Nasser Hussein."
Broadcaster: The Yankees have saved four runs with their defense tonight, two by Clemens and one by Jeter.
Weakest Link host: Which breakfast pastry is named after the French for "shape of the waxing moon"?
Contestant: Pop Tart.
Beijing newspaper ad:
House keeping:
Cleaning, defecating, sterilizing for new residence
Floor maintaining face-lifting polishing to kitchen and toilet
American College Dictionary: ANALYSIS OF VARIANCE, STATISTICS: A procedure for resolving the total variance of a set of varieties into component variances, which are associated with various factors affecting the variates.
George W. Bush: There's no such thing as legacies. At least, there is a legacy, but I'll never see it.
Broadcaster: A lot of actresses have complained that as they get older their parts dry up.
Penn State coach Joe Paterno: If I wake up one morning and decide another person can do a better hob with this squad, I will tell the wife, "Let's go to Italy." Or Brooklyn. Either one of those countries is fine with me.
Caine (England) mayor Edward Cooper: The meeting was held in secret because it concerns the public so much.
UK newspaper ad: QUALIFIED NURSEY NURSE Required at Kenleigh Nursery School, St. Annes
Translator: And now, His Poopiness the Hole...er...His Poopiness the Pole...rather, His Holiness the Poop. [Caption: On Translators, in Deep Doodoo]
Manager Sparky Anderson on Jose Canseco: The best thing about him is that he's built like a Greek goddess.
TV producer Everett Chambers when his cop series was canceled: We bought $40,000 worth of cars to smash up, and we never got the chance to smash them up. I think that's kind of immoral, $40,000 worth of cars to smash up when people are starving in India.
Translation on Hong Kong calligraphy souvenir: MAY EVERY MEMORY BRING THE FEELING THAT YOU HAVE NOT LIVED FOR ANYTHING.
South African medical chart (yes, again): RECTAL EXAMINATION REVEALED A NORMAL SIZED THYROID. [sorry if you're too grossed out somewhere among these]
U.S. Postal service reply to a complaint: After a thorough investigation, we are able to determine that the late arrival of your mail was due to a delay in transit.
Conductor Eugene Ormandy (yes, again): With us tonight is William Warfield, who is with us tonight. He is a wonderful man, and so is his wife.
Adjoining headlines:
HUMAN REMAINS FOUND
MICHIGAN MAN GETS NEW HAND
Multivitamin box label: THIS LABEL IS NOT A SIGNIFICANT SOURCE OF INFORMATION
George W. Bush: Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.
Regina newscaster: As Francis Bacon said, some books are to be [pause] -- what the hell did he say?
Taiwan puzzle toy instruction: LET'S DECOMPOSE AND ENJOY ASSEMBLING!
Guangdong company promotion letter: WE HOPE OUR NEW PRODUCTS WILL REDUCE YOUR INTEREST.
Help Wanted ad: The University of Vermont...does not discriminate for reasons of national origin, race, gender, class, sexual performance, or religion.
Sign: BOARDING OF BUS PROHIBITED WHEN DOORS ARE CLOSED.
TV newsman: And it's warm and wet in the city this morning. Let's find out how [weather forecaster] Isabelle Lange is -- warm and wet as well?
Sportscaster: The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball.
Headline: WIFE'S FAMILY: MAN WHO KILLED FAMILY NOT ALL GOOD.
2000 Summer Olympics announcer (sure are a lot of sportscaster quotes): Next up is the Central African Republic, located in Central Africa.
Old Farmer's Almanac online: Lou Gehrig...played his 1,308th game in St. Louis, 1933. The colonists, numbering about 100, were never found.
Newsman: A freight train derailment today caused problems for thousands of computers....
Broadcaster: It is expected that 80% of every single spectator will arrive by train.