Folly of the Faithful Canine

The holiday season has five types of songs.
(I almost said “carols,” but that would be wrong.)
The first kind, the oldest, is all about Jesus.
The folks most religious are whom it most pleases.
The second alludes to the jolly Saint Nick.
The kids are to whom it’s most likely to stick.
The third’s all the rest about yule celebration.
It’s apt for adults who could use a vacation.
The fourth is for other dates close to this time,
Like Chanukah, New Year’s, and Kwanzaa; that’s fine.
The fifth just pertains to the weather outside.
It’s best for cold places where snow can be eyed.
That covers the bases as far as I know.
If you can name more, by all means, have a go.

A forumite went looking for a parody of ABBA's "Super Trouper" called "Koopa Troopa," in reference to an anthropomorphic turtle species from the Mario games. He found a lousy one and made an open request for another. I found a second version that wasn't bad but decided to try my hand at it anyway. For the sake of more difference, I focused on the character's role in the Mario Kart series rather than a platform game.

Koopa Troopa, racing in a go-kart,
Drops a big green shell,
Bidding me farewell
As everybody drives pell-mell.

I was nervous when the cup began,
As I started right out in last place.
Couldn’t hear the cheering of a fan,
But I managed to set a fast pace.
In a minute, I had passed most other racers.
Suddenly I hear a sound,
And I know that it means trouble as I skid across the ground,

Because the Koopa Troopa doesn’t have a slow kart.
Using one bright star,
It will travel far,
Not like normal turtles are.

And then the Koopa Troopa, racing in a go-kart,
Fires a big red shell,
Making me unwell.
My injuries are sure to swell.

Facing lava pits and falling stones?
How can any track be so risky?
No one even put up traffic cones.
Was the management drunk on whiskey?
Nonetheless, I plan to gain a golden trophy.
Hear them play my winning theme.
Still, I must remember things here are not always as they seem,

Because the Koopa Troopa doesn’t have a slow kart,
Thanks to that darn star.
This is so bizarre.
We shouldn’t even be on par.

And then the Koopa Troopa, racing in a go-kart,
Fires a big blue shell,
Causing me to yell,
“I wish that you would go to…”

I hope to stand upon the stairs
With other winners; I’ll have mine, and they’ll have theirs.
If I’m not higher than the shorty at my side,
I think I’ll ditch my kart and hitch a ride.

That stupid Koopa Troopa doesn’t have a slow kart.
What a shining star.
This will leave a scar.
I’m feeling like I’m stuck in tar.

Recently, I heard Duran Duran's "Rio." Then I made up new words:

Going back to school now, boy, you’re a terror in disguise.
Bringing shrunken heads? I don’t think that’s very wise.
With a snake in your bed as you sleep through the night, you dream up mayhem quite diverse.
You know you’re something special, and I think it’s for the worse.

CHORUS: His name is Lio, and he’s one eccentric kid.
His main companion is a huge, land-dwelling squid.
He’s always doing things authorities forbid.
Oh, Lio, Lio, do you see what you just did?

I’ve seen you in a lab, and I’ve seen you out in space.
You lead kids to their deaths, if not the human race,
With the Reaper or a giant beast.
But then, I’m sure that your friends could use a feast.

CHORUS

Hey, now, woo, look at that; did young Eva shoot you down?
With the things you contrive to make her your wife,
You’re lucky you’re alive, alive, alive!
Don’t take that chance, ‘cause she won’t take your side
For nothing. I know what you’re thinkin’,
But she’d sooner go join your kitten in drinkin’.

CHORUS

His name is Lio, and it’s hard to guess his age.
He deals with characters across the comics page.
Most folks react to him with fear, disgust, or rage.
All of his friends belong within a tomb or cage.

Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo…

Some characters accused of having zero personality
Are really just inclined toward expressional neutrality.
They’re tolerant of many flaws and bear aggression stoic’ly,
Or else they stand by principles, defending them heroic’ly.

They can be quite emotional and talkative and sociable,
But something in their attitude is strictly nonnegotiable.
Perhaps you think consistency makes people one-dimensional.
It doesn’t, least of all when they are highly unconventional.

They have a set of int’rests if you watch them more attentively.
They even sometimes find a way to pass the time inventively.
In short, if you like criticisms based in actuality,
Think hard before you say that someone lacks a personality.