Folly of the Faithful Canine

I’ve found that superhero alter egos tend to be
In certain jobs or other such positions frequently.
Well, journalism’s obvious; you’re never far from news.
But since you clearly know the hero, that’s not one I’d choose

For periods of safety. Still more common is an heir
To someone with an enterprise, a mill- or billionaire.
It’s great for funding outings as a hero; nonetheless,
The spotlight makes it hard to keep your secret with success.

Now, royals are another story; they can make the rules
And thus be fully open in adventures, which is cool,
But think how hard it is to run a country all the time.
It’s bound to be much harder if you’re always fighting crime.

You might be an attorney who can put the crooks away
On two fronts, but you’re subject to the infamous cliché
Of lawyers being rotten. A detective might be better,
But cases don’t come constantly; you may end up a debtor.

If smart enough, you may become a scientist of note,
That’s great, but it’s not easy getting funds to stay afloat.
Perhaps you’ve been a soldier and your training helps you fight.
You’re apt to think of troubles that will keep you up at night.

Perhaps you’ve been a criminal and know how others think.
I’m glad you’re paying off your debt, but having one must stink.
You might be still a student, cutting class to save the day.
That has to suck; you’ll hardly hang with friends or get an A.

I think I would prefer to be an agent of the state
Or else a bounty hunter getting paid a decent rate.
My job and my heroics would be duly intertwined.
Of course, it’s less heroic if my paycheck is in mind.

Is Santa Claus a superhero? Evidence says yes.
In just one night, he goes to every Christian kid’s address
And gives them coal if they’ve been bad or gifts if they’ve been good,
As no one but a man with major superpowers could.

In comic books, he’s shown to work with superhero teams.
In other tales, he works alone to save the day, it seems.
Still other tales have given him some sidekicks, such as elves.
Of course, his magic reindeer might just qualify themselves.

They also help convey his awesome vehicle of note.
His base of operations is amazing and remote.
He likes enforcing morals all around. On top of that,
His costume is distinctive, from his snow boots to his hat.

He has an evil counterpart in Krampus, I’m afraid.
His weakness: downing all the milk and cookies that he’s paid.
He tries to go unseen upon the night it’s time to give.
And finally, he knows where all the supervillains live.

Way back in 1938, when Superman debuted,
Compared with now, he wasn’t all that powerful a dude.
He basically was limited to powers you’d expect
From people who evolved for stronger gravity’s effect.
It seems that Planet Krypton had been bigger than the Earth,
And thus a native humanoid was stronger right from birth.
He’d leap the height of 20-story buildings in a bound
But couldn’t get much hang time in before he hit the ground.
While hardy, just a bursting shell could penetrate his skin.
He could lift heavy weights but not reverse the planet’s spin.
His hearing wasn’t special, nor his breath. His eyes produced
No heat or X-ray vision. Then he got a major boost:
The Silver Age of Comic Books would let the hero gain
New powers almost every week, which proved to be a pain.
It seems he’d gathered hundreds till the writers cut them back
To eight, the ones he has today. That is a better tack,
But still he leaves most other comic supers in the dust.
Resetting him completely has been off and on discussed
By writers as they struggle to make stories with suspense,
But old-school powers could be dull in yet another sense.
Which Superman do you prefer: the one who did the least,
The one who came near godhood, or the one who got decreased?

You wish to have some superpowers? Here’s what you can do.
Unless you’re born an alien or mutant, they’ll be new.
You could receive a serum as a subject in a lab.
Perhaps you’d drink a potion if you couldn’t stand a jab.
You might get struck by lightning or exposed to radiation
Or splashed with special chemicals without deliberation.
If someone mighty notices your deeds and is impressed,
They may just share some power, tho it wouldn’t be the best.
If lucky, you will come across an artifact or jewel
That rapidly bestows on you abilities quite cool.
What doesn’t seem as lucky is returning from the dead.
I’d rather work with magic or technology instead.
If all else fails, you always can improve your bod and brain
By exercise and learning. Just be careful not to strain.