Folly of the Faithful Canine

If you create a superhero, please don’t pick a name
That’s based on a projectile, as that sort is always lame.
Take Bulletman and Bulletgirl: They just wear dorky hats
And punch without a lot of power. Where’s the fun in that?
Torpedo topped a list of dumbest superheroes ever.
Each version failed before too long, because he wasn’t clever.
And then we get to those who use their namesake in a fight.
For instance, Captain Boomerang and Javelin aren’t right.
Let’s not depend on weapons that have long been obsolete.
No matter what your skill, they’re bad for cleaning up the street.
I realize the Green Arrow’s been successful on TV,
But that’s from expert writing and direction, seems to me.
OK, perhaps you want to add some humor to a battle.
If so, go right ahead with something silly like “Atlatl.”

That didn't take me long, did it? Robert Mayer's first novel, while not a graphic novel as it appears from the outside, nonetheless has fairly few words per page on average, particularly since there are 37 chapters in 231 pages. I don't remember where I heard of it, but it sounded kind of like Watchmen with a lot more laughs. Whether or not it inspired Alan Moore, it was certainly a predecessor, from 1977.

( Cut for length )

I have now picked up another fairly short read, Princess Academy by Shannon Hale. The Newbery Medal tells me it's not even YA, and right now, I could use the assurance of cleanliness.

From what I can tell, there are five different kinds
Of Superman stories all told.
In one, he is weakened by kryptonite shards
Or whatnot; that quickly gets old.

At times, he contends with a villain whose might
Surpasses or equals his own.
Perhaps he’s quite safe but must rescue a friend
And barely can do it alone.

On rarer occasions, a character learns
His secret identity, oops!
Just how will he stop them from spreading the word
When killing’s a no-no for Supes?

The last kind will focus on somebody else,
With Superman lending support.
I’m not a big fan of the old Man of Steel,
So that one’s my favorite sort.

I got an honorable mention in the latest Style Invitational results. The new contest also involves poetry, so I'm giving it a spin, this time with four entries. In case you can't read the link, it's about short poems using terms that Merriam-Webster added this month.

1. Most albums that I’ve listened to begin with something hot.
It makes a lot of sense to give a hit the foremost spot.
In music terms, a deep cut is a less familiar song.
“The first cut is the deepest”? Boy, Cat Stevens got it wrong.

2. If you adopt a hoglet, you had best not name it Sonic.
You wouldn’t want one dashing super-fast around the house.
Perhaps you have a slowpoke and would like to be ironic,
But tempting fate is scary with a prickly pseudo-mouse.

3. When a new CEO of Nintendo
Reached his office, he must have thought, “Yup,
This is it, the top floor of the building,
So I’ll never again level up.”

4. Imagine if a supervillain stuck to petty crime,
Only using superpowers for evasion.
Would heroes try to stop him? Would he not be worth their time?
Would they even give some thought to this equation?
If he should get away with it and everyone found out,
Would authorities be all the more maligned?
Would laws be changed if not repealed? There may be room for doubt,
But I’d bet that’s what the villain had in mind.

The title “Captain Marvel” first appeared in ’39,
When Fawcett Publications had begun its comics line.
The hero, Billy Batson, changed from preteen to adult
By hollering, “Shazam!” (It seems his powers were occult.)
Alas, despite his thunderbolts, he seemed a bit too much
Like DC Comics’ Superman, so Fawcett was in Dutch
For copyright infringement. Still, they fought to keep him going,
Until he wasn’t worth it when the comic sales were slowing.
The trademark lapsed, and M. F. Enterprises grabbed the name
And slapped it on an android, but he never gained much fame.
Then Marvel Comics paid a fee to M.F.’s Myron Fass
So they could get the trademark (with their name, they’d hardly pass).
Then DC got the go-ahead from Fawcett to revive
The oldest Captain Marvel, whom they’d worked so hard to drive
From print! But Marvel’s captain meant that DC wasn’t able
To launch a brand-new series with the same production label.
They titled it Shazam! but had the hero keep his name.
In theory, that sufficed to let us know they’re not the same,
But after nearly 40 years, they changed him to Shazam,
Which can be problematic. Just as well that he’s a ham.

“Not all superheroes wear capes” — a phrase that’s often said,
But it’s not the most educated take on superheroes I’ve read.
Whoever said it first must not have known the genre well.
The myth that it perpetuates is one I’d like to dispel.
It’s true that Batman and Superman wear capes most of the time
(Well, not as their alter egos, just in costume and fighting crime),
But what about other famous ones, like Daredevil, Wolverine,
The Hulk, or even Spider-Man? These guys you’ve probably seen.
The Green Lantern, Iron Man, the Flash, and all the Fantastic Four
Have taken Edna Mode’s advice, and I could name dozens more.
It seems a minority of heroes don capes in comic books.
Perhaps the artists realized capes do only so much for looks.
In any case, I appreciate the sentiment of the phrase
When used to give helpful folk in reality the utmost praise.

A’s for Apocalypse, brainwashing troops.
B’s for Bizarro, reversal of Supes.
C is for Catwoman, expert at stealing.
D is for Deathstroke, who’s good at self-healing.
E’s for Electro, whose origin’s tragic.
F: Felix Faust, who knows plenty of magic.
G is for Grodd, who’s a psychic gorilla.
H is for Heat Wave, a flame-throwing killah.
I: Iron Monger, all covered in steel.
J is for Joker, who laughs like a heel.
K is for Kraven, who loves a good hunt.
L: Living Monolith, hard to confront.
M’s for Mystique, who can take any form.
N is for Nimrod, who’s far from the norm.
O is for Owl, who can glide through the air.
P: Poison Ivy, with plants in her hair.
Q’s for Queen Bee, who shoots poisonous darts.
R is for Rhino, who breaks walls apart.
S is for Scarecrow, who causes a fright.
T is for Two-Face, who’s only half right.
U is for Ultron, a man-hating droid.
V is for Venom, whom all should avoid.
W: Wendigo, great savage brute.
X is for Xorn, whom you’d better not shoot.
Y’s for Ymir, who’s a giant of frost.
Z is for Zod, who gets deadly when crossed.
Comic book heroes, more often than not,
Call for strong villains to make a good plot.

In youth, I wished that I could fly,
But fun like that gets old real fast.
It also turns more heads than I
Would like, so now that wish is past.

I thought I’d want to teleport
To save on time and travel fees,
But how’s it work? I might fall short
And die. (Do I sound hard to please?)

Perhaps it makes more sense to dream
Of doing what I can already,
Only to a new extreme,
But that might feel a tad unsteady.

Nowadays, I fantasize
Of subtle powers. Yeah, I’m sure
For all the truths I realize,
I’m still a little immature.

This may not be a popular sentiment, but I just had more fun watching X-Men: First Class than any other superhero movie since Batman Begins six years ago. Maybe even ever. My dad at least preferred it to the first two X-Men movies, which he also liked.

I hesitate to call it the best superhero movie I've seen in that time. The Dark Knight, like most Christopher Nolan movies, wins my admiration more readily than my adoration. Iron Man also excels in unusual areas for the genre, and without being a downer, at the expense of the usual amount of spectacle for the time. XM:FC is admittedly more typical than either, aside from the use of four subtitled languages in addition to English.

Honestly, there's little competition when it comes to engaging characters, story, themes, and action. Magneto remains my favorite super antihero/antivillain, yet even the lesser mutants come across as pretty cool. The few changes in the reboot are forgivable (you probably don't care a lot about Moira MacTaggart not being a British doctor), and unfamiliar viewers won't miss much of the fun. Like other great setups, it made me crave more without feeling too empty or disorganized in itself.

Room for improvement? Well, yes. Some points are repeated more than necessary; you may think as well as feel, but you won't have to think hard. I don't mind the scarcity of big-name actors, but at least one needed an accent coach. And of course, the women frequently dressed or acted like they expected an audience of 14-year-old boys. Yes, I count that as a weakness.

Still, no wonder it's in IMDb's top 250 for the time being. I doubt if anything else will match it in awesomeness this summer.

Weeks ago, I got into a forum chat with the funniest non-cartooning netizen I know, John Reynolds. The subject was were-animals, and he thought the full moon thing was done to death, so he proposed other triggers. One suggestion was a wereoyster who, IIRC, changes with the tide. This reminded me of the most interesting fact I learned from my mollusk study project a decade ago: oysters naturally undergo multiple sex changes. When I pointed out that he was taking it to another level, John said, "Oh Lord, whoever gets bitten by a radioactive oyster is going to have problems to make Spiderman look like Nancy and Sluggo."

It's not the kind of thought that fades away for me. Now I've composed lyrics:

Oysterperson, Oysterperson
Always sufferin', always cursin'
Now a he, now a she
Just like oysters in the sea
Watch out
Here comes the Oysterperson

Of course, the last two lines make me wonder what makes the hapless hero so formidable. A big mouth? A resilient shell? Daunting wealth from the sale of one's own pearls?

If anyone wants an illustration, well, maybe you'd best talk to the Kinky Turtle.