Folly of the Faithful Canine

If you create a superhero, please don’t pick a name
That’s based on a projectile, as that sort is always lame.
Take Bulletman and Bulletgirl: They just wear dorky hats
And punch without a lot of power. Where’s the fun in that?
Torpedo topped a list of dumbest superheroes ever.
Each version failed before too long, because he wasn’t clever.
And then we get to those who use their namesake in a fight.
For instance, Captain Boomerang and Javelin aren’t right.
Let’s not depend on weapons that have long been obsolete.
No matter what your skill, they’re bad for cleaning up the street.
I realize the Green Arrow’s been successful on TV,
But that’s from expert writing and direction, seems to me.
OK, perhaps you want to add some humor to a battle.
If so, go right ahead with something silly like “Atlatl.”

I’m hardly an expert on firearm matters,
But sources have taught me a lot
Of basic instructions to try to avoid
A real bad unintentional shot.

If the tip of a gun isn’t coated in orange,
It probably isn’t a toy.
Don’t aim it at animals, people, or objects
You really would hate to destroy.

Consider it loaded unless you just cleared it;
Remember the chamber to check.
Don’t finger the trigger until you feel ready
To render your target a wreck.

Be sure of your target and what lies behind it
In case you hit that by mistake.
When passing a gun, take the ammo out first.
Without muffling, your ears may well ache.

A bulletproof vest won’t prevent broken ribs,
So don’t shoot at a wearer for kicks,
And even a blank can be deadly up close.
Don’t be fooled by absurd movie tricks.

Perhaps you would say not to handle such weapons
And leave it at that. I’m concerned
That those who ignored that advice would be too
In the dark on the lessons I’ve learned.

In stories set multiple centuries past
Or in fantasies pseudo-medieval,
I find the main hero must carry a sword,
As if all other weapons were evil.

I gather that daggers are not only puny
But made to be hidden from sight,
And clubs seem too primitive, spears not much better,
But what makes the axes not right?

Their cousins the polearms get even less love,
Being carried entirely by minions.
The bows have some grace, but their range is unfit
For heroics in writers’ opinions.

The staves are for wizards and martial arts masters,
Both prone to support the main man;
And whips, while unlikely to kill, are just mean.
Is that why the tradition began?

Everyone knows that movies and shows
Play fast and loose with what’s true,
But certain bluffs are repeated enough
That they can be hard to see through.

If you’re not one to have fired a gun,
You’re in for a big surprise,
As once you’ve found how it looks and sounds,
You’ll reflect on a pack of lies.

Of greater concern is the treatment of burns,
Among other bodily harm.
Know that CPR goes only so far
And some die from a broken arm.

Alas, there’s more: You’ll find dangers galore
From animals out in the wild.
A swan or deer might just break you in fear,
And monkeys are seldom mild.

It’s clear that we must take care not to trust
Our Hollywood inspirations.
I advise you to get a look on the Net
For further information.