Tuesday, 14 February 2012 09:43 am
A Curmudgeon's Holiday Guide
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deckardcanineI like most holidays, but if there’s one thing I dread about almost all of them, it’s the backlash. Every year, some of my online acquaintances see fit to gripe when the time comes, often prompting refutations. This year I’ve compiled a list of holiday curmudgeon clichés that I’ve learned to expect and would rather not encounter again.
New Year’s: Bah, why should I make resolutions on this particular day and not when I feel like it? I’d totally break them within the week. Also, enough with “Auld Lang Syne” and the boring TV specials.
Martin Luther King, Jr. Day: Hardly anyone subscribes to all his ideals, and even he was somewhat hypocritical on them. Furthermore, how much did he really accomplish himself? Why don’t we celebrate more important figures’ birthdays?
Groundhog Day: Weirdest, lamest tradition still in practice. And don’t you dare play “I’ve Got You, Babe.”
Chinese New Year: Just as untrue from experience as the rest of astrology, and people keep getting careless about when an animal’s year begins. Someone born in January 2012 is not a “dragon.”
Valentine’s Day: It may be named for a saint, but we’d totally ignore it if not for commercial pressure. Love, of all things, should not be about buying little decorations and confections. It’s even worse for anyone not in a relationship. Sure hope the schools don’t require class-wide valentine exchanges anymore.
Presidents Day: I miss when we celebrated Lincoln’s birthday separately. Wait, better yet, don’t celebrate him at all. He may have freed the slaves, but he went about it a rotten way, and we’re still stinging from it.
St. Patrick’s Day: Come on, you guys aren’t Irish. You just want an excuse to get drunk and pinch those who don’t wear a color they barely own.
April Fool’s Day: Great, now to spend hours facing the prospect of cruel tricks at every turn. Some websites become nearly functionless for the lulz.
Easter: How did we get from the resurrection of Christ to a clownish anthropomorphic rabbit hiding candy around? Way to inspire the dorkiest kiddie TV specials.
Cinco de Mayo: What do you patronizing gringos actually know about it? It’s not that important.
Memorial Day: Boo, war!
Mother’s/Father’s Day: Hmph, mine was mean to me.
Flag Day: When you think about it, ours is ugly and overcomplicated. But not as bad as these countries’….
Fourth of July: Americans in 1776 were such crybabies, and their descendants still want to stick it to their alleged ally with stupid explosions.
Labor Day: We show appreciation for hard workers by not working? How does that, um, work?
Patriot Day: Depressing thanks to recent memory. Let’s distract ourselves by arguing about GWB.
International Talk Like a Pirate Day: SHUT UP IT WASN’T FUNNY THE FIRST TIME BESIDES NINJAS ARE BETTER! (I’m guilty of this one myself.)
Halloween: Man, hardly any trick-or-treaters come anymore, especially without a parent, aside from the ones who should be too old for the activity. We might be glad about the decline in demand for candy, but that tends to leave us with more than we know what to do with. And don’t get me started on the delinquents.
Guy Fawkes Day: Are we celebrating his failure or his near success? Whichever, V for Vendetta sucks, and Anonymous needs to learn more about the guy.
Veterans Day: Boo, war!
Thanksgiving: It’s based on a myth that no educated person has believed in a long time. They just want to pig out and ignore the weight gain until (shudder) Black Friday. Oh, and football sucks.
Christmas: …You get the picture.
I can think of other holidays, but people in my circles either don’t know and care enough or don’t feel right talking smack about them. That’s why I didn’t include any Jewish holidays.
New Year’s: Bah, why should I make resolutions on this particular day and not when I feel like it? I’d totally break them within the week. Also, enough with “Auld Lang Syne” and the boring TV specials.
Martin Luther King, Jr. Day: Hardly anyone subscribes to all his ideals, and even he was somewhat hypocritical on them. Furthermore, how much did he really accomplish himself? Why don’t we celebrate more important figures’ birthdays?
Groundhog Day: Weirdest, lamest tradition still in practice. And don’t you dare play “I’ve Got You, Babe.”
Chinese New Year: Just as untrue from experience as the rest of astrology, and people keep getting careless about when an animal’s year begins. Someone born in January 2012 is not a “dragon.”
Valentine’s Day: It may be named for a saint, but we’d totally ignore it if not for commercial pressure. Love, of all things, should not be about buying little decorations and confections. It’s even worse for anyone not in a relationship. Sure hope the schools don’t require class-wide valentine exchanges anymore.
Presidents Day: I miss when we celebrated Lincoln’s birthday separately. Wait, better yet, don’t celebrate him at all. He may have freed the slaves, but he went about it a rotten way, and we’re still stinging from it.
St. Patrick’s Day: Come on, you guys aren’t Irish. You just want an excuse to get drunk and pinch those who don’t wear a color they barely own.
April Fool’s Day: Great, now to spend hours facing the prospect of cruel tricks at every turn. Some websites become nearly functionless for the lulz.
Easter: How did we get from the resurrection of Christ to a clownish anthropomorphic rabbit hiding candy around? Way to inspire the dorkiest kiddie TV specials.
Cinco de Mayo: What do you patronizing gringos actually know about it? It’s not that important.
Memorial Day: Boo, war!
Mother’s/Father’s Day: Hmph, mine was mean to me.
Flag Day: When you think about it, ours is ugly and overcomplicated. But not as bad as these countries’….
Fourth of July: Americans in 1776 were such crybabies, and their descendants still want to stick it to their alleged ally with stupid explosions.
Labor Day: We show appreciation for hard workers by not working? How does that, um, work?
Patriot Day: Depressing thanks to recent memory. Let’s distract ourselves by arguing about GWB.
International Talk Like a Pirate Day: SHUT UP IT WASN’T FUNNY THE FIRST TIME BESIDES NINJAS ARE BETTER! (I’m guilty of this one myself.)
Halloween: Man, hardly any trick-or-treaters come anymore, especially without a parent, aside from the ones who should be too old for the activity. We might be glad about the decline in demand for candy, but that tends to leave us with more than we know what to do with. And don’t get me started on the delinquents.
Guy Fawkes Day: Are we celebrating his failure or his near success? Whichever, V for Vendetta sucks, and Anonymous needs to learn more about the guy.
Veterans Day: Boo, war!
Thanksgiving: It’s based on a myth that no educated person has believed in a long time. They just want to pig out and ignore the weight gain until (shudder) Black Friday. Oh, and football sucks.
Christmas: …You get the picture.
I can think of other holidays, but people in my circles either don’t know and care enough or don’t feel right talking smack about them. That’s why I didn’t include any Jewish holidays.
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no subject
Maybe you should celebrate the Day of the Ninja.
Talking smack about Jewish holidays (unless celebrating or close to someone who is) would probably make a person look like a Big Jerk, besides most people aren't pushed into celebrating them, so less of a pool of interested (or disinterested) people.